Patented Invention to Look Skinny
October 6, 2011 § 8 Comments
I wish I could be an inventor (you know, as well as a chef and a psychiatrist and an astronaut). Actually, I think that everyone secretly wishes to be an inventor, to see their dreams played out in tangible reality. Kids are inventors, with bricks and legos and sticks, and writers are half-inventors of sorts, and artists and poets still more so. I’m not sure what the job market looks like for inventors, but since I haven’t quite grown up yet, I always jot down little inventions in my planner instead of things that I should actually be doing…like my laundry…and updating my food blog.
I’ll share with you my newest invention, the Knobby Strip! I’m going to patent it someday after I do my laundry, so don’t steal it please. Obviously it will be extremely profitable because it is an invention where you can eat anything and still look skinny, and there are four hundred million bajillion people in that market.
I have a series of sketches for the Knobby Strip, but they’re in a super secret locker of inventions, so I’ll just describe it to you. It is a strip that is about 1 1/2 feet long by about an inch wide. It is a series of spaced apart knobs on one side of the strip, with adhesive backing on the other side. How do you use the Knobby Strip to look skinny, you ask? To use, just peel off the adhesive backing and stick it onto your spine. When your clothes are on, this gives the effect of you looking extremely thin, because your spinal cord will always look like it is poking out through your clothing!
You might think I’m exaggerating, but this is the extent of the diet industry! They sell all sorts of terrible products that do nothing except wreck someone’s self esteem. There’s Spanx, which is basically a full body condom that you can’t breathe in (trust me, I tried one once and my dear friend Anna had to help me out because my rib cage was slowly collapsing in on itself). And then there’s Alli, a diet pill that when used correctly will cause oily diarrhea.
Do any of you see how wrong this is? How can we want to be skinny so badly? Skinny is not necessarily beautiful, and starvation definitely is not. Beauty is a toothy smile that extends up to your half moon eyes, gorgeous is someone who stops to help someone else in need, and YOU are beautiful, curves and all, I swear.
I’m writing this because as a kitchen manager, I overhear things like, “Oh, I should really stop eating because I’m getting chubby,” or “Nah, I’ll just eat salad tonight.” I’m writing this because you can even see the forecasting of these disastrous relationship of eating/dieting in elementary school children. I’m writing this because I love food and I want all you readers to love food as much as I do and not be surrounded by guilt by partaking in something so basic as food.
Instead of thinness, you should be striving for healthiness. Think complete proteins, lots of fiber, and lots of vitamins and minerals. Think a nature hike with friends, or that giant hill that you and your bike conquer every night to go home. And above all else, don’t forget to love your body and eat chocolate babka, and I promise not to sound like a cheesy sitcom mom again for the rest of the month.
Chocolate Cinnamon Cardamom Coffee Cake
Deliciously swirled chocolate cinnamon cardamom coffee cake! Perfect for afternoon tea, a sinful breakfast, or all your alliterative needs!
– 3 tablespoons flour
– 1 cup soymilk, divided
– 1/4 cup water
– 1 tablespoon active dry yeast
– 3 tablespoons agave nectar
– 3 cups flour
– 1 teaspoon salt
– 1/3 cup Earth Balance, divided
– 2 tablespoons cinnamon
– 2 tablespoons cardamom
– 3/4 cup chocolate chips, chopped
1. Mix the flour and 1/2 cup of the soymilk together in a small pot. Heat slowly over medium heat until just before it boils.
2. Meanwhile, combine the active dry yeast with the water and agave and let stand until the yeast are poofy.
3. Add the flour & soymilk mixture, water, flour, salt, and 2 tablespoons of the Earth Balance together in a bowl. Mix well with a spoon, then turn out onto a smooth surface and knead for 5-6 minutes. Cover and let rise for 1 1/2 hours, or until doubled.
4. Divide the ball of dough into 3 pieces. Smash each piece into a 9 inch by 4 inch rectangle, then paint a little melted Earth Balance on them, and sprinkle cinnamon, cardamom, and chocolate chips on them. Roll them up into a long snake. Repeat two more times until you have three snakes, then braid them together and place in a 8″ by 4″ loaf pan. Let rise for 45 minutes.
5. You didn’t forget to preheat the oven now, did you? Place your loaf of bread in the 350 degree oven and bake for 45-50 minutes, or until the top is a dark brown.
6. Try to wait before eating it because the chocolate will burn you severely.
* Thanks to my friend and foot model Nicole!
** Completely and utterly unrelated, but what do fellow vegans think of Temple Grandin?