Vegan Food Sucks + Eel

A long time ago in March, I attended a birthday party where I planned to be polite and keep my veganism on the downlow so as not to cause any troubling waves at the restaurant. I was going to be as quiet as a mouse with a ball gag in a vacuum chamber. However, as my luck would have it, the birthday party was at a pizza place and everyone chose to order communally. A mere two minutes went by before people started questioning why I was not eating, so I timidly mumbled that I wasn’t hungry and that I was vegan.

Some nods of approval went around the table. (good…) Then some cocked heads of disbelief and incredulity. (things are starting to look sour now…) And then this evil hatred spouting man, who for some ungodly reason had been invited to the birthday party, just started RAILING INTO ME. From now on, we will maturely refer to him as Mr. Buttface, somewhat for privacy issues and mostly because I’ve forgotten his name.

Mr. Buttface started attacking me, insulting my intelligence because of what I believe to be a personal and perfectly reasonable choice, telling me that plants feel pain, and arguing that cows and pigs adore being chopped up into stews. I silently fumed through all of this, still resolutely telling myself that I would be a pleasant vegan through the birthday party. And then I heard him say, “PLUS, VEGAN FOOD SUCKS!”

Then the foodie in me could take it no longer, and I glared at him and started a really long incomprehensible diatribe that went something like this, “GRRRRBLAAAAHHHH I BET MY FOOD TASTES BETTER THAN YOURS…blahblahblah.”